Big Fat Liar

Oh, the calm is still enveloping our house like a warm blanket on a cold day.  Never mind that it is hot as hell outside.  We are spending most of our time huddled up in the house as if it was snowing.  The house is a mess.  I haven't seen it this disorganized since Nicholas was a baby and I was getting by on just 3 hours of sleep.  I typically thrive on order and cleanliness but I am coming to find that a dirty house isn't as fatal as I once feared. 

I tried going on a diet again.  I did another calorie counter program.  It really is harder than it looks.  I have been eating 1300 calories a day and have gained 3 pounds. And yes, I did calculate in the bag of pistachios I consumed while meditating the other day. 

Yesterday while shopping, I picked up a diet book called the Dukan Diet.  It is supposed to teach you how to eat like a French woman.  I thumbed through the pages and gagged when I skimmed over a page about eating animal organs. 

Do you know how many diet books I have bought and read over the years?  It's almost embarrassing.  All the books are dumb.  They didn't need to cut down so many trees.  All they really need are three pages.  One page that says, "Eat less."  And one page that says, "Move more."  And the last page should have a disclaimer  that says, "If you are fat, you probably will always be fat and when you eat less, sometimes your body will go on freak out mode and you will actually gain weight.  Exercising can be VERY dangerous for fat people, especially dancing.  You will realize you are getting old and have arthritis and not be able to move for five days after a work out."  The end.

I've always wanted to be thinner but I don't know why.  I am not sure what that would do for me.  It's not like I would go on a shopping spree and frolic through the stores in my skinny body.  I can do that now when I feel like it.  I did it yesterday.  I blew some birthday money at the fat girl store and had just as much fun as a skinny girl, I bet.  I saw my butt in a 3 way mirror and said to myself that it looks just as nice as anyone else's.  It may be bigger than most folk's and it may or  may not have ever gotten stuck in a dining room chair, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have redeeming qualities.  It's just as round and soft as a Victoria Secret model's, only mine is 10 times bigger.  Being only 5 feet tall, I am fun sized and super sized at the same time.  How glorious is that?

I can do everything as a fat girl that I could do as a skinny girl.  Sometimes I don't do it only because I am scared about what other people might think, but that's pretty stupid.  Who cares?   Do I think I don't deserve to wear a bikini on a beach?  Do I think I don't deserve to go skinny dipping in a lake with my friends?  It's not like I have been a bad girl and need to be grounded from having fun.  I am 37.  I have earned every fat roll.  My fat rolls are like battle scars.  See this tummy?  It is my womb that carried five babies.  See these humongous boobs?  They nursed those five babies for a total of 9 years.  See these thighs and hips?  This is from all the ice cream I ate when I was lost and sad.  And see my flappy arms?  This is from all the cheese dip I ate when I was happy and having fun.   

Oprah has it all figured out.  You can be fat, just wear beautiful clothes.  I don't think she's ever said this, but that's what she does.  She has enough money and resources to have a personal chef, a personal trainer, a guru, and an assistant.  Most people regard her as a highly enlightened woman.  But even she has trouble losing weight and keeping it off.

How liberating it would be to totally and honestly and wholly accept myself.  As women, we try too hard to fix this and that about ourselves without stopping to say, "I am OK just the way I am."  We try to change our hair color.  We try to cover up wrinkles or blemishes.  We try to squeeze into Spanx.  We go on diets.  And we take way too much medication, asking our doctors to prescribe this and that magic pill so we won't be moody or stressed.

It's a bunch of crap, girls.  We spend too much money and time trying to be someone we are not.  We are so full of denial.  We are liars.  Why can't we just accept who we really are?  

I had to get my license renewed last week.  I finally changed the weight on it.  I still lied, but I did add 30 pounds to the number.  I am getting there.  One step at a time, I will embrace who I am.