So, Camp Cutchshaw was a bad idea. In theory it was a good idea. I tried. I really did. Summer surrounded by two teenage girls and three little kids sends me over the edge. So I was going to be the fun mom and entertain everyone and keep everyone so busy with wholesome activities that no one would even have a small chance of driving me nuts. Only, all my ideas ended up making them nuts which in turn made me nuts.
I had this great idea that we should all unplug from technology and get in touch with nature. I also was convinced that we should learn to eat a more organic diet and I was ready to lay down the law that my children should eat what is served or go hungry. With two picky eaters due to the weirdness of sensory issues that come along in the wonderful package of autism spectrum disorders, I was ready to nip all this crap in the bud. Pioneer children ate what was served no matter what their particular issue was. Why can't my kids do it?
As the Camp Cutchshaw director, I was beginning to feel like the devil. It's not in my nature to bark orders: "Get in line, clean your room, wake up and get your butt into the back yard and let me teach you the names of these tress over here. And you WILL have fun. This is called family bonding."
I came up against such resistance that it wasn't remotely fun. You can call me weak or a bad mom or whatever, but by the 3rd day I said, "Screw it." I briefly tried again followed by an epiphany that was so wonderful I almost could believe my luck.
I ignored my children for two days. I only did what was life or death necessary to tend to them. I did make sure they were alive from time to time and I did hand out Skittles when Nicholas went potty. Other than that, I did my own thing. I read a book. I took a nap. I took a walk. I watched TV. I stared out in space. I ate almost an entire bag of pistachios. I did some deep thinking and even some no thinking. I just did whatever I felt like doing. I even made a friendship bracelet because I had bought this awesome red string for one of my arts and crafts activities.
And you know what happened? Mollie and Nicholas picked out books and snuggled beside me and read while I was reading. When I fell asleep, I felt Mollie's warm body cuddled up right beside me. And when I made my bracelet, Fischer and Mollie asked me to teach them how to do it and they learned how to braid and macrame. Jolie and Sydney got invited to go tubing down the Chattachoochee with some friends. It was awesome. The children were so quiet. And they entertained themselves all day long. I was just doing my own thing and they did theirs. Nicholas spent hours lining up his Zhu Zhu pets, Littlest Pet Shops, and Hot Wheels. Two days of calm has fallen over our house. No plans. No agendas. No activities list to check off. And no chores.
I was trying too hard to get back to nature. Trying too hard to find peace in our daily lives. Trying too hard to relax and unwind after a long, stressful school year. Why do I do this? It doesn't make sense. Peace and tranquility are already here. Zen is in the midst of changing diapers and folding laundry. It is not in some faraway land and it does not cost money to get there. You don't even need a guide or a guru. I found Zen just eating my bag of pistachios, staring out in space, listening to the computer keys click quickly as my teenagers were sending messages on Facebook to their friends mixed in to the sounds of my son Fischer playing a Play Station game and Mollie and Nicholas squealing as they tried to catch the kittens on our porch. It's here.
In whatever chaos is around me, I can smile and let go. I don't have to be doing some important thing. I can just give thanks to the universe for these precious children and the opportunity to be a mother. Where I can receive the greatest education in the world. I can walk on the path of enlightenment every day just because I am surrounded by these unique, creative beings who just count on me to love them. I don't have to be one of those soccer moms who rush from one activity to the next. I don't have to sign my children up for classes to make them become outstanding people. We can just be. We can just be. We can open up the pressure vent and let it all out. We can just be in love. That's what my summer will be about. We are just going to be in love. And I am going to leave them alone as much as possible.
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