Nicholas turns 4!

Nicholas turned 4 on the 13th of February. He had a family party at Fun World which is his favorite place in the world. He got so excited when he saw the building and since it was really cold and windy, I scooped him out of his car seat and stuffed him inside my coat and ran to the entrance with Mollie and Fischer holding on to us and Jolie, Sydney and Adrian running behind us. Once we got inside, Nicholas simply could not contain his excitement. He was choking on his laughter and smiling from ear to ear. I gently put him down and his little legs starting going all Charlie Brown. He runs straight legged and his feet just switch back and forth so rapidly, he looks like he's floating and perhaps he is. It's very Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragonish.

While Adrian paid for the children's admissions, Nicholas ran (or flew) to the Foam Factory where he played merrily for a long time. You could hear his squeals of joy over all the noise and chaos in that place. He was so tickled to be there.

We all had a marvelous time. When we got back home, we watched Nicholas blow out candles on his birthday cake. Four candles? I can't believe it has been four years already since he came into the world. Wasn't it just yesterday all the nursing students interning at the hospital were in our delivery room so they could see an actual natural birth and I was showing off saying I was going to do it like the women in the rice fields and just squat down and "hey, y'all, watch this." And just as the baby passed through what is often referred to as "The Ring of Fire" a sacred place in the birthing woman's body where the pain peaks and she believes she is actually going to die...and the woman actually does die so that the mother can be born. And so it was that a new part of me was born in the same moment my son was born. And even though he was my fifth baby, I still had to be born again. And as he immediately was put to my breast and began nursing right away, I knew I had somehow managed again, rightfully undeservedly, to have delivered a perfect little baby.

And here, four years later, my perfect baby boy went for his check up at the doctor's office and still we are facing unknown medical problems. Could it be the craneostenosis? A pituitary disorder? More and more test are needed but at this point it seems the autism is secondary to an underlining medical disorder that we have yet to figure out. And yet, still this wonderful human being, Nicholas, is perfect. He is just right as himself and no one else could be him. And he could not be anyone else. He is 2 years behind physically and 2 years behind developmentally. Adrian says he's just developing at a slow rate all together and will live to be 900 years old and is probably a prophet or something. He's an angel for sure. Nicholas truly lives in the present moment. He has no concept of the future or of the past. Although he recognizes that certain events repeat like going to school and he likes his routine. But Nicholas is a Buddha when it comes to accepting the present moment and just being pure.

So, as he blew out the birthday candles and cried tears of joy as we sang happy birthday to him which we sang in sign language too, I wondered if he made a wish and I know he didn't. Not just because he is unfamiliar with such an abstract concept of making a wish, but that he has no concept of wanting anything he doesn't already have. He is the poster child for contentment.

Then, Adrian picked up the cake to take it to the kitchen for cutting. His hands lost their balance and the tray tipped, it slipped, and it did a double flip right on top of Mollie's head! Blue, red, yellow and green icing balloons went cascading down our 5 year old's long, sliky, brown hair. I couldn't stop laughing.

The cake tasted pretty good.

Zen and the art of Motherhood

Do you know where and how I find peace? Where in my life I feel most enlightened? Where I am content and happy? It is in my motherhood. Raising five children and working with young children all day may sound unglamourous and messy but to me, it is Zen. I find that children have the purest hearts. Just being around them all day renews me. It is refreshing to play with children or to take part in a hilarious attack of giggles with two teenage daughters. I can sit on the floor for hours doing puzzles and building things and I have such a great excuse to do that and feel productive because it is all under the notion that I am teaching a small child. I love how they include me in their world of imagination. I also have so much love poured into me and showered all over me simply because I am taking care of them. Wiping noses, changing diapers, putting on band-aids, cooking meals and cutting up food, reading books and tucking them in blankets, combing hair, brushing their little teeth, helping with homework. I know, it sounds tedious but it's not. It fills my spirit with such tenderness and love I can hardly describe it. I can meditate best while I am doing laundry. I don't know why people sometimes feel they must travel to far away places under the influence of some guru when it's more wonderful to find your zen right where you are doing your every day things. Being a mother is the best. And having a husband who recognizes how beautiful motherhood is and respects it above all else is divine. I really am the luckiest girl on the planet.