Monday, December 6, 2010

Back to my Childhood Diet...Random Ramblings of a Fat Girl

This morning it was freezing. I don't know the exact temperature because I am not a thermometer and I don't watch the weather or the news. I simply cannot retain the information when it is commentated the way they do it. They go too fast and I get confused. I grew up watching Guy Sharpe the local weatherman as my sisters and I sat on the sofa eating something off the Hosford Breakfast Menu: honeybuns, SaraLee cheese cake, Morton's donuts (the frozen sugary ones that you heated in the toaster oven,) SaraLee pound cake, pizza bagels, or nachos, washed down with 12 oz of Coca- Cola.



Yes, that was the diet we were raised on. And don't go thinking that was what made me the fatass I am today. Actually, healthy food is what made me large and in charge. Ya see, I was a little kid and a small teenager. I only started packing on the pounds when I was pregnant with Jolie. My OBGYN asked me what I ate and when I told him, he about fell to the floor and explained that I was eating for two and needed to eat a more healthful diet. So, I beefed up on tuna fish (this was back in the day when pregnant women were encouraged to eat tuna fish. Now, pregnant women can only eat it once a month due to the high mercury content. If it was high back then, we didn't know it. Maybe that's what is wrong with my two teenage daughters. Maybe they can't help getting in those weird moods. Maybe it isn't the hormones. Maybe they were born with toxic levels of mercury 'cause I sure did eat the hell outta some tuna fish sandwiches before they were born. I couldn't help it. I was poor and I craved cans of tuna like I was a cat or something!)



I also ate lots of hamburgers because my iron was low and I needed to eat red meat. I suppose I could have feasted on lean fillets of steak, but my body was screaming for quarter pounders with cheese from McDonalds and if you eat one of those things, you just have to get a side order of french fries to compliment the meal. I got addicted to the quarter pound with cheese extra value meals. They had just come up with the extra value meal concept when I was pregnant with Jolie and I felt I was doing my civic duty to support such a good company. However, I would never order the thing by the menu number. I just could never roll down the window of my car and holler out at the speaker at the drive thru that I needed to have a NUMBER 2! That would have been embarrassing. Just like I never tell the gas station attendant that "I got gas on pump number 3." I don't have gas and if I did, Mohamed would be the last person I would tell.



Any way, so back to why I am overweight. Along with my cheeseburgers and countless cans of tuna, I started eating rice cakes, carrot sticks, peanut butter, macaroni and cheese, and meatloaf and mashed potatoes. That is what made me go from 125 pounds to 145 pounds. Well, that along with a baby in my belly. And once she was born, I kept eating for two. I was breast feeding which made me hungry. Don't buy into the myths that breast feeding will make you lose the baby weight faster. Don't kid yourself. Breast feeding is wonderful and I advocate for it, and it makes your boobs look like a porn star while you're doing it, but once the baby is weaned, your boobs sadly look like big tortillas which you can roll up from your belly button to your chin. But I digress...



I had another baby (Sydney) two years later and my weight went form 145 to 165. It stayed there for a long time but I got smart in preparing for my sister's wedding and was able to dance off 20 pounds. Seriously, that's what I did. I did ballet barre exercises every morning and then danced with my two little girls every afternoon for an hour. That, and I gave up soft drinks. I looked pretty hot in my matron of honor dress I must say. With the right bra, my tortillas looked like hot tamales.



Then, I got divorced and that is the best diet one can ever go on. Going through a divorce will curb your appetite. NO matter what the reason for the divorce, there is a little voice inside your head that will magically appear and will whisper to you, "The best revenge will be to look awesome and he will be sorry he ever treated you the way he did." And the voice will also say, "I know you've sworn off men, but somebody was checking you out at the post office and you know that felt good."



And then, two years later, I met Adrian. Being married to a nice man is bad for diets. I wanted to cook wonderful meals for my man and I enjoyed eating them a little too much. My first year of marriage was stressful and ice cream became my new antidepressant. Adrian didn't seem to mind. He kept telling me he would rather have a nice, sweet plumper than a skinny bitch for a wife. I took him at his word and became a very sweet, nice plumper and I also became pregnant with baby number 3.



With Fischer, I gained a lot of weight. I was pretty fat and happy. When I was in labor, my midwife asked me what my current weight was and I made Adrian cover his ears. He put his hands on the side of his head and I whispered, "220 pounds." And Adrian's hands dropped to his sides and his mouth fell open and he said, "Whoa, baby!" For being hearing impaired, he sure does have selective hearing!



I am serious, that was what I weighed. 220 pounds! Our son, Fischer only weighed 8 pounds 3 ounces. I have no idea what the rest of the weight was all about. I can tell you it was all in my backside. Some women carry high, some carry low, and I was all about carrying it in the back. I think it helped counter my enormous tummy. My feet grew a whole size too. I went from a narrow 7 to a medium 8. Yes, I am a freak. Too bad I didn't grow taller because I remained only 5 feet tall and to be 220 pounds is quite a sight, let me tell you. My tortillas were no longer flat, those babies were big, full and stood at full attention. They didn't even make nursing bras my size. I wore the extra large fancy spandex nursing and maternity bras and they were so tight, I would stretch them out by sticking my big clown feet into the front and pulling the straps all the way to my chin before I could wrestle that bad boy on. After nursing Fischer, I had to throw away all my old bras and buy the pricey kind at Intimacy at Phipps Plaza. (I had seen Oprah and knew I needed to have a proper bra fitting by the bra lady.) I cried when I came out wearing my new 36 double G and my mama said she was going to give me a breast reduction for Christmas.



I joined Weight Watchers weighing around 200 pounds and got to 180. Weight Watchers really works, but I was too cheap to pay 15 bucks to have someone weigh me each week. So, I tried to do it myself and I counted my points every day and managed to get to 175. It was so hard and I was still fat.



Then, I got pregnant with Mollie and my midwife told me to really be careful about packing on the pounds. She told me I only needed to gain 15 pounds and surprisingly, I did it. When Mollie was born, I weighed 190. Still, this was big, but I was kinda proud.



9 months later, we were in the family way again and I got up past 200 again. I never wanted to be that big, but there I was. What can you do? The weight doesn't come off magically and I was tired and had to eat to keep myself awake. Eventually, when Nicholas started sleeping through the night, I ate less and started walking and the weight melted off slowly but surely. I got back down to 170 and was happy. All together, I was 50 pounds lighter than my highest weight. Whoa baby.

Then, sadly, my father got really sick and he passed away two years ago. I medicated my pain with ice cream again. I ate everything in sight. Friends were generous and gave our family lots of food and I ate it. All of it. And I gained 25 pounds.

Well, over the summer, I started doing the Food Diary and walking and I lost 12 pounds. I was only eating 1200 calories a day and I guess my body got used to that number and I stopped losing. So frustrating to be starving and not see any results on the scale. So, I said, screw it. Just be happy, Abi. Really, who cares if you are fat? Mollie (age 6) calls me her Squishy. My kids love sitting in my nice, big, warm lap. It's comforting. Adrian likes it too but that's another story.

So, that's that. I am fat. I am not going to go on a diet and I am not going to wait to buy new clothes. Honey, I am wearing Jeggins as I write this and I am proud. And don't go telling me I need to lose 50 pounds for HEALTH reasons. I have no desire to live a long time. I do not want to be old. 75 is my personal age limit for myself and that is only if I can be a funny 75 year old woman. Not a creepy, grumpy 75 year old. I plan to go out with a bang where my friends and family can honestly say, "That Abi sure was a ton of fun!"

This is why I am going back on my childhood diet. I am going to eat Christmas candy, cheese cake, honey buns, and ungodly amounts of cookies. I will enjoy it all. I will not feel bad or guilty anymore. Santa Claus is fat and he is the coolest guy on the planet.

My driver's license states that I weigh 130 pounds. It's kinda sick, really. If I were to get arrested for a traffic violation, I am sure the officers would get a big kick outta that one! My license is due for renewal in 2011 so I am going to change that, finally. For so long, I've kept it at 130 thinking I would see that number on my scale in the not too distant future. What a load of crap. Who've I been kidding all these years? Like anyone would see my stats on my license and think, "I guess it's her outfit that is making her look heavy 'cause in reality, she only weighs 130 pounds!" I mean, really! So, I have decided on my new license, I am going to change the weight to 450 pounds. That way, if I get arrested, the officer will actually high five me and say, "Ma'am, I can see from your license, you must have lost a tremendous amount of weight! You don't look like you weigh 450 pounds any more. What's your secret?" And people who card me will actually see me as being quite skinny considering I used to weight 450 pounds according to my license. They will suspect gastric bypass surgery but I will say, "No, actually I lost nearly 300 pounds by roller skating across America last summer! And they will say, "Whoa Baby!" Amen.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Christmas Poem 2010











T’was just weeks before Christmas and all through my thoughts,
Is a whole lot of nothing ‘cause my memory is just shot.
I have two brain cells left in my brain,
Thanks to my family who has made me insane.
This year we went to the beach twice with all 7 of us, it was so grand,
But while traveling, I contemplated running away or just jumping out of the van.
Mollie was learning to whistle, Jolie and Sydney wanted to listen to rap,
Fischer sang 100 rounds of the diarrhea song while I tried to read the map.
Nicholas had an explosion in his diaper and Adrian was trying to drive,
I vowed to never travel again as long as we made it alive.
But oh, what a time we had once we got to Fripp,
Fischer caught a 5 foot barracuda on a deep sea fishing trip!
We swam and biked along with my sisters, their families, and my mama,
We stayed up late, played games, cooked, and frolicked in our pajamas.
Always wear your sunscreen, ‘cause when we got home we had a scary discovery,
Sydney had a spot, it was atypical, and was removed by a doctor of dermatology.
And speaking of doctors, this year we’ve sure visited a few,
Trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with our kids, well, at least two.
Sydney went to a neurologist; Nicholas went to an endocrinologist,
And after many trips to Emory, I think I need a psychiatrist!
Nicholas has stopped growing; he’s two or three years behind,
But if you traveled around the world looking, not a sweeter 4 year old you would find.
And boy is he smart at certain things like computers and fixing things mechanical,
He is in preschool but is heading to M.I.T. He really is incredible.
Mollie is 6 and is quite the charmer with her witty and clever ways,
She’s smart as a whip, too much for her own good, but makes me laugh every day.
Jolie is the only girl in the Chess Club and is still involved with Thespians and singing,
She is sweet 16, a junior in high school, and of graduation she is dreaming.
Sydney started a new school called Ava White Academy this fall,
She’s is doing so well, I believe it’s my reward for not killing her when she was small.
Fischer is 9 and pretty soon he’ll be taller than me, he’s such a wonderful young man,
He’s fascinated with science and books and is constantly learning all that he can.
And then there is Adrian, the love of my life who sticks by me through all of this,
Architecture is still going slowly, if only he could get paid to fish.
Adrian’s new hobbies include: rolling sushi, gardening, preserving, and canning,
He has plans to focus more on his art work, his oil paintings are outstanding.
“Finding Hope the Journey of a Battered Wife” is my newest book published this year,
I’ve been doing lots of public speaking about domestic violence live, on TV, and on air.
I still write my weekly newspaper advice column called Ask Lula Belle,
If you need any help, just write me a question and send in an e mail.
I have ventured on to a Children’s TV show and am in the midst of shooting the pilot,
With my partner Jordan White we have created a terrific show so funny it’s a riot.
The whole family is involved from acting, set design, singing, and puppets,
It’s called “Pickle Street” and is inspired by Mister Rogers and the Muppets.
Though I stay so busy and I sometimes feel like I am going to lose my mind,
I think of all I am grateful for and it gives me hope that everything’s going to be fine.
I never believe these annual poems will get written but it looks like I’ve done it again,
I am happy to share our news and wish a Merry Christmas to all our family and friends!