A letter to my son

Dear Nicholas,

It has been a year since we learned you have PDD-NOS. I admit I cried all the way home from Atlanta after the developmental pediatrician told us. A part of me was hoping he would say the things that I'd been worried about were all in my head. When he said the word, "Autism," my heart broke. So many thoughts entered my head. Will you go to regular school? Will you live with us forever? Will you learn to drive a car? Will you have a job? Will you make real friends your own age? Will you fall in love? Will you get married and have a family?

I apologize for talking about you in front of you sometimes like you're not even in the room. I am sorry for explaining PDD-NOS to strangers and friends like you can't hear what I am saying. I am sorry I talk about developmental delays as if you don't have remarkable skills other than speech development. I admit Autism has consumed me for most of this year and each time I talked about it, it helped me deal with it. Every time I read a book about it, I felt better and every time I shared what I learned, I felt empowered.

Although, during this past year, I have learned more from you and your big brother and sisters than from any books I have read. I have learned there are many ways to think. No two minds are alike and your mind happens to be even more special than average. I have learned not to judge anyone, especially a child. I have learned not to put God in a box because God is more awesome than I once believed. I have learned that there are more ways to communicate and sometimes taking words out of the picture gives everything a deeper meaning. I have learned to trust my mother's intuition more. I have learned to take things one day at a time. I have learned to be more patient. And most importantly, I have learned that all in all, my concerns for you are absolutely no different from the concerns I have for your brother and sisters. I want the same things for each of you. I want y'all to grow up happy, spiritually minded people who will be passionate in life. I want y'all to spread goodness and love. I want y'all to be anything and everything you want to be. Nothing will stand in your way because any walls that you can't knock down yourself, Daddy and I will knock them down for you and any walls we can't knock down, your grandmothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, friends, teachers, and our community will jump right in there with us and we can knock them down together. Nothing will be impossible for you. And that goes for each of our five children.

I am sorry that from time to time I forget at the end of the day, you are just Nicholas. You are not Autism. You are a human being who maybe thinks differently and grows differently, but no two people are alike any way, so it doesn't matter if you have a diagnosis or not.

I believe at the core, each and everyone of us has one question. We ask many people along our journey in life, "Am I accepted?" I truly believe this is our eternal question. We all desire and seek acceptance, pure acceptance to be loved unconditionally. And for you, Jolie, Sydney, Fischer and Mollie, the answer is YES! Daddy and I love you and accept you exactly as you are, no strings attached. This means we wouldn't change anything about any of you even if we could.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is a year ago I was devastated and in twelve short months, you showed me hope. I am so grateful for your school, Challenged Child and Friends. I am grateful for your teachers and your speech and occupational therapists who look at you and just see Nicholas. I love that at school, everyone focuses on your abilities and not anything else. Reading the notes they send home letting me know you were the line leader, or you were the door holder, or you tried to go potty, or you cut with scissors on your own, or you can read everyone's name on the felt board, makes me the proudest mommy on the block. When I see you with your little back pack on, smiling and happy to be a big boy at school, I know in my heart, everything is going to be just fine.

Jolie gets ready for the Prom 2010

Spring Break 2010

Oh, Lordy! Why oh why did I think a vacation is what this family needed? I mean, really. Believe you me, it was no vacation for Adrian and me who got a whopping total of 4 hours sleep the entire time. Nicholas, come to find out, cannot sleep in a foreign place or at least not on a beautiful island in South Georgia. Jolie and Sydney slept OK the first night but the following day they got sun burned and sleep became an elusive dream after that. Fischer and Mollie were lucky they just could zonk out just about any place even if that was an uncomfortable sofa and chair. Adrian and I are spoiled by our top of the line bed mattress, so it is hard to fall asleep anywhere but home, but truly, the real prevention of shut eye was Nicholas who hit us, kicked us, scratched us, and pulled our hair for hours on end while we tried to coax him to sleep.


That kid has night vision because when I would let him loose, he really could get into things around the condo. I was afraid to fall asleep without knowing for absolute certain he was asleep because he could have started a fire or escaped which he has done before. Then, once he finally was asleep, I slept with one eye open, of course even though that boy will go and go and go and then pass out like a rock and will sleep through anything, just apparently not until 4:00 am.


And the traveling part...Whoa! Don't even get me started. Let's just say, during our 6 hour road trip which took 8 hours with 7 people cramped in a small space for that span of time, made me contemplate: divorce, suicide, and homicide. And then, of course, there was the car ride home which was worse than the ride there.


But when we were actually on the beach itself, I can tell you a different story. Like how awesome it was to see the look of wonder on Mollie's face when she laid eyes on the Atlantic ocean for the first time since she was a little baby. And the way she let go of my hand and ran through the cool, wet sand straight for the waves so fearlessly. And the way she would giggle when the cold, cold salty water would splash all over her and the way she merrily plopped herself down in the sand making sand angles as if she were in the middle of snow.


And Fischer, my ever curious 9 year old was in his element being out there with the wind blowing his mop of blonde hair. He seemed totally in tune with the sea and the sand. Watching him dig to China and build spectacular sand castles made me feel so, so, happy. Fischer my little sensitive soul is such a thoughtful Buddha. During the school year, he is always so busy, but to have a week of him just being himself, was divine. If ever you get to hang out with this dude, you would see what I mean. He is so cool.

Sydney took charge as the little mama, of course. It was either her joy to be nurturing or her excuse to be young and unencumbered by embarrassment to play right along with the little kids. She was the first one to run into the ocean and then turning around with her arms out to invite everyone to come join her. She taught the little kids how to jump the waves. She kept everyone highly entertained while helping us keep our eyes out for everyone's safety. I swear, the good Lord has blessed me with this amazing young woman as a reward for not killing her when she was little.

Jolie actually smiled and seemed not to mind being around us which was a weird change. Lately, if it does not include her group of friends, she is simply not interested. It was pretty awesome to see her just content with her family. No computers and no cell service did some good I'd say. I hate to point out that she only has two more years of high school before she graduates. I am cherishing every minute of the attention she will give us. Watching her play on the beach brought back so many sweet memories of her as a baby on the beach. It was she and I against the world back then.

And then, there was Nicholas chasing the birds and running like there was no tomorrow all across the beach. He loved standing in the surf, laughing every time the ocean was pulled back away from him as the next wave was building up. He would look down and watch his little feet as the water rushed over them and he would lose his balance as the sandy floor was being sucked out from under him. He would look all worried and say, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" while his little arms flapped in circles trying to steady himself. And then the next wave would hit and he would smile and burst out laughing. Again and again!

My sister and her husband and daughter came along too and it was so nice to see them after we'd been apart for so long. My niece, Wiley has grown and changed so much. She and Mollie played as if they saw each other every day.

Then, alas, my husband. Even though we were both totally and completely miserable with our lack of sleep and our nerves trying to recover from the road trip, I must say that holding hands with my best friend on the beach as we watched our kids frolic in the surf was a total breath of everlasting fresh air. I can't imagine going on this or any adventure without him. Which is why I vowed I would NOT kill him on the way home... plus he was driving, so that would not have been good.

Peace, Love, and all that, y'all!
Abigail