Dear Nicholas,
It has been a year since we learned you have PDD-NOS. I admit I cried all the way home from Atlanta after the developmental pediatrician told us. A part of me was hoping he would say the things that I'd been worried about were all in my head. When he said the word, "Autism," my heart broke. So many thoughts entered my head. Will you go to regular school? Will you live with us forever? Will you learn to drive a car? Will you have a job? Will you make real friends your own age? Will you fall in love? Will you get married and have a family?
I apologize for talking about you in front of you sometimes like you're not even in the room. I am sorry for explaining PDD-NOS to strangers and friends like you can't hear what I am saying. I am sorry I talk about developmental delays as if you don't have remarkable skills other than speech development. I admit Autism has consumed me for most of this year and each time I talked about it, it helped me deal with it. Every time I read a book about it, I felt better and every time I shared what I learned, I felt empowered.
Although, during this past year, I have learned more from you and your big brother and sisters than from any books I have read. I have learned there are many ways to think. No two minds are alike and your mind happens to be even more special than average. I have learned not to judge anyone, especially a child. I have learned not to put God in a box because God is more awesome than I once believed. I have learned that there are more ways to communicate and sometimes taking words out of the picture gives everything a deeper meaning. I have learned to trust my mother's intuition more. I have learned to take things one day at a time. I have learned to be more patient. And most importantly, I have learned that all in all, my concerns for you are absolutely no different from the concerns I have for your brother and sisters. I want the same things for each of you. I want y'all to grow up happy, spiritually minded people who will be passionate in life. I want y'all to spread goodness and love. I want y'all to be anything and everything you want to be. Nothing will stand in your way because any walls that you can't knock down yourself, Daddy and I will knock them down for you and any walls we can't knock down, your grandmothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, friends, teachers, and our community will jump right in there with us and we can knock them down together. Nothing will be impossible for you. And that goes for each of our five children.
I am sorry that from time to time I forget at the end of the day, you are just Nicholas. You are not Autism. You are a human being who maybe thinks differently and grows differently, but no two people are alike any way, so it doesn't matter if you have a diagnosis or not.
I believe at the core, each and everyone of us has one question. We ask many people along our journey in life, "Am I accepted?" I truly believe this is our eternal question. We all desire and seek acceptance, pure acceptance to be loved unconditionally. And for you, Jolie, Sydney, Fischer and Mollie, the answer is YES! Daddy and I love you and accept you exactly as you are, no strings attached. This means we wouldn't change anything about any of you even if we could.
So, I guess what I am trying to say is a year ago I was devastated and in twelve short months, you showed me hope. I am so grateful for your school, Challenged Child and Friends. I am grateful for your teachers and your speech and occupational therapists who look at you and just see Nicholas. I love that at school, everyone focuses on your abilities and not anything else. Reading the notes they send home letting me know you were the line leader, or you were the door holder, or you tried to go potty, or you cut with scissors on your own, or you can read everyone's name on the felt board, makes me the proudest mommy on the block. When I see you with your little back pack on, smiling and happy to be a big boy at school, I know in my heart, everything is going to be just fine.
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