I write a weekly advice column called Ask Lula Belle for the White County News and the Towns Sentinel. Last year, someone wrote me seeking advice about spanking children. A few months later, I was asked to publish it again. Last week, I was asked to run the column again for the third time. It seemed to have struck a nerve with many parents as I got both fan mail and hate mail both times it ran. I am still sticking to my story that I do NOT believe spanking is an effective form of discipline and with 20 years experience working with children and 16 years experience being a mother, I only become more convinced that I was right all along to follow my instincts when I was a young and dumb mother for the first time. I sure as heck didn't know what I was doing the first time but I just kept following my heart. Spanking my children just never felt like the right thing to do.
As a preschool teacher for 7 years, I could pretty much tell right away which of my students were spanked at home and which were not. The ones who had to endure spankings at home were the more aggressive children and the worst problem solvers. They also had a much harder time respecting me because they felt like they were really able to get away with making trouble since I was not going to ever hit them. In fact, they would try to push me to see how far they could go and to see if they could ever get a reaction out of me other than a gentle reminder on how to behave in school and a time out. Time out to them was a joke.
On the other hand, I consistently found that the children who never received any discipline at home (and that means proper teaching and training, by the way) were just so lost and clueless on how to behave. Those students were usually not defiant, but would often times just do whatever they pleased and were rather impulsive. Those were the students who would unlock the gate at the playground and run off because they decided they wanted to play inside. They were the most disruptive at circle time and had a hard time understanding time out and would manipulatively tell me I was a mean teacher.
The students who were properly disciplined at home were the easiest to teach. They were respectful and kind to their friends. Sure, they would make mistakes but usually just a gentle reminder would put them back on track. These students would sit in time out when necessary and would be able to start over, correcting their own behavior when it was time to come back to the group, ready to try again with a new attitude.
It is important to teach children real life skills they can use in the future. I promise, promise, promise that there will be no place in their future where spanking or hitting will be acceptable. They cannot do it at school, work, or in a marriage. So, why do parents use spanking as a method of teaching and training a child? What message does it really send? "You, small innocent child have made a mistake and so now I am going to hit you?" Will the child say to herself, "OK, that hurt so I will never make a mistake again because I am afraid of getting hurt by the one person in the world who is supposed to love me no matter what?" Um... If that theory really worked, a spanked child would not make mistakes. But that is not the case because young children are learning and they will make many, many mistakes because it is just the way it is.
The important thing to think about is not preventing mistakes, but to focus on teaching many beautiful lessons for your child. And who in the world can really think about things when they are afraid or upset or if someone is hitting them? Try it, ask your husband or wife to make you study Chinese for and hour and then quiz you on what you have learned. While they are quizzing you, tell them to smack you every time you make a mistake.
Then, ask your husband or your wife to make you study Chinese for an hour but this time, ask them to be encouraging and loving every time you make a mistake while they quiz you. And if you really goof up, let it be OK for you to take a time out to really process all you are trying to learn. And how about a hug afterwards? Wouldn't that be better? Don't you think you would be eager to learn Chinese this way? Perhaps you would really resent learning Chinese if someone spanked you every time you messed up.
When I have to witness a child getting spanked, I just about fall apart because I can actually feel the shame and hurt the child is feeling. When it is happening, the child looks like a dog who has just been kicked for peeing on the carpet. With its tail between its legs, the dog will hopefully learn to only go potty outside, but it will always walk with its head down and will be scared of your foot everytime it see it. When the child is spanked, especially in public, I can feel the humiliation. I can feel the child's loss of self respect. When a parent is spanking a child, you might as well be saying, "I think you are an animal and I think you are too stupid to learn your lesson by listening to me teach it to you patiently, so I am just gonna whack you across the behind in this store in front of everyone so you will be too scared to keep telling me you are too tired to shop with me today." That's what a spanking is. It is a tool to make your children hurt, scared and humiliated in hopes they will stop behaving in a way that displeases the parent.
You know your child is not stupid. They are not animals. They are VERY sensitive little people. Whatever you do is ultimately shaping who they are. It is important to send the message that you think they are smart and capable of learning. Even if they really are driving you crazy in the store, it is better to LEAVE the store, take a break and try again. Maybe they truly are too tired to go shopping. Maybe if you hug them and let them know you UNDERSTAND how they feel, you can sorta compromise. "Hey, darling. You are being really fussy in this store. Are you tired or hungry?" "Uh, huh." "OK, I'll tell you what. I really need to get this shopping done. I am going to hurry as fast as I can and I won't waste any time just looking around aimlessly or buying stuff we don't need. We are going to do it together super fast and you can be my helper. As soon as we are finished, I am going to buy you a new hair bow or a new chapstick or a piece of candy as a reward for being such a good helper and I am going to let YOU pick it out. Ready? Let's do it!" Then make a game out of finding everything really fast. Run with the cart. It is fun.
See, in this example the child wasn't doing anything "wrong" to begin with. A child having a melt down does not need a punishment. They are just trying to tell you something important!! Like, listen up, mommy, I have had a really hard day and I need a nap and I am hungry and you are taking way too long in this store and I feel like I need a hug!" When a child is having a melt down, he or she is really just trying to share their feelings and if the parent isn't listening, they will get really, really loud about it. But if the parent knows that the melt down is the cue to listen and be understanding, the child will learn how to talk about their feelings and trust the parent will help them feel better.
Haven't you ever had a melt down as a grown up? PMS, hello! Your husband makes you mad. You have a horrible day at work. You get home and you feel totally overwhelemd by all you have to do and you yell at everybody and you cry. What makes it better? A. Your husband spanks you for yelling in the house. B. Your husband tells you to be quiet and get over it because life is hard. or C. Your husband realizes that your day really sucked and gives you a hug and tells you to just lay down because he is going to take care of dinner and that you can worry about all the things you have to do later when you feel better. I know when I have a bad day, I feel better when the people who love me support me. I know when my husband takes over my "duties" for a little while that after I rest for about 30 minutes, I join in with a spring in my step and a song in my heart because I feel so loved and understood.
Of course, parents who spank always argue with me about what to do when the child has really, really crossed a line. Let the punishment fit the crime and all that. Some parents say they only spank if the child is doing something dangerous or if the child is too small to understand a lecture about cars in the parking lot or they only spank if the child hits another person or bites them or whatever.
All I can say is that if you begin early by being a loving, patient teacher and begin time outs early, the child will "get it" before they are 2 years old. They will still make mistakes, but the cool thing is that they will learn how to talk about it with you respectfully and will be really good listeners.
"Take away" is a great consequence. It is important to teach a young child about consequences. When you make good choices, good things happen and when you make bad choices, bad things happen. Taking away toys or privileges and then allowing the child the opportunity to earn it back is an excellent way to train a child.
If I am raising five children without spanking, then you can too. And don't think for a minute I have "easy children." They are no different than any other child. They each have strengths and weaknesses. All children can be stubborn sometimes and all children can be lazy sometimes. All children can be rebellious. All children can wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Being a parent will take you on a journey of really high highs and really low lows. But the number one job of a parent is to be a teacher. 85% of what they need to know, they will learn from you. And if you teach them that hitting someone can somehow solve a problem, you are doing them a disservice because it won't work any where else in their lives. Not at school, not at work, and not in a marriage.
No comments:
Post a Comment