One last trip to the office

His office is being cleaned out this week and his belongings will be moved home. While Sydney and I were in town, I decided to stop by and sit in his office for a few minutes. I walked down the hall. I stepped through the door and shut it behind me. I carefully sat in his chair. I looked up and saw pictures of my family. All kinds. Capturing all different stages in our lives. I looked to the right and saw more pictures on his book shelves. And below, all sorts of medical books. Some spiritual books. Some addiction books. I twirled around and saw on the coffee table the latest issue of an Autism Journal.

I looked out the window and imagined him looking through the window checking the sunshine. I spun around to the cabinet. My eyes wondered over all the quirky little collectible things he had stored in there over the years. And then I looked at the wall. I saw the picture of him with J.F.K. and a picture of him when he was 18 years old with his science fair project. I saw all his degrees and some awards, a picture with Jane Fonda. I turned back to face the desk. It was left just the way it was the last time he used it. He calendar hasn't been turned forward. He had lots of notes about "call so and so..."

And as I curiously looked in all the nooks and crannies, I saw love notes from us...his children....wishing him a good day.

I used to leave him a love note on his desk every time I was in his office. Sometimes I would leave him one under his pillow at home. Just to say, "Hey, Daddy! I love you!"

I decided to leave him one last note. I wrote it on his calendar on the day he passed away. I told him how much I miss him. I know he'll see it. I felt he was watching me. As I laid my head on his desk and cried, I felt his presence. And then I smelled him. That really fine and handsome father smell of soap, fabric softener and gourmet coffee.

I couldn't help but feeling I was stepping out of a holy place when I left the office and headed back home. I wonder how long it will take for our broken hearts to heal. We all miss him so much.