I am very under qualified to be a mother of five children. I can do the baby thing. That part is easy. Actually, it's pretty easy for the first 12 years. Plus, they are so darn cute when they are little that even if you are feeling frustrated, it's easy to fall in love with them over and over again. I think people who complain about raising small children are a bunch of ninnies. They need to get over the sleepless nights and potty training. If you cannot figure out how to handle a two year old's temper tantrums, you are a lost cause. It's not rocket science. You are big, they are small. You can just pick them up and put them where ever they need to be. You can take away a toy and they will think you are the all powerful goddess and they will respect you. They think you know everything. Most of the time, they just want to play with you and what is better than that? And the problems they have, you can usually fix. If they get hurt, they run to you and often just a hug from you makes everything right in their world again.
Just wait until they turn into teenagers. It is not so easy. You can no longer pick them up and put them where they need to be. Well, you can try, but you'll throw your back out. They aren't quite as cute any more and in fact, they smell like too much perfume and they hog the bathroom. They break my heart constantly. The things they struggle through are tough to watch. And I really do know the answers to help them but they think I am retarded, so they won't listen half the time. And the thought of them actually running to me for a hug to make everything better makes me laugh out loud. They are embarrassed to even be seen with me. Most of the time, it is best to let go and let them figure out things by themselves any way, but it is hard for me to do.
Our teenagers are 14 and 16. I remember being those ages. My life was very hard from the ages of 14 to 22. I sure did do a lot of struggling and I got really hurt so my urge to protect is magnified. I'll tell you a little secret: I thought that I would be such a good mother that my children would not have to go through the same types of challenges I went through. But you know what? It doesn't matter what kind of parent you are. All people have to go through puberty and I am coming to realize it is divinely designed to be a struggle. At least that is what I am telling myself. I cannot admit it could all be my fault. I have to hold on to some faith that the challenges have a purpose or else I might have to throw in the towel and find that very tall building.
Teenagers are like butterflies. They start out as an egg, then larva in a nice nest way up high in a tree away from danger, next they develop into pupa, and finally they become caterpillars and venture out of the nest and the tree. When they are ready to transform into butterflies, they eat a lot, get really fat and they sleep in a chrysalis for a long time. Sounds like a teenager to me. And then, right as they are ready to emerge, they really struggle. When people see the new butterflies with wet wings having a hard time, sometimes we try to help. But if we intervene, it actually kills the butterfly.
In order for the butterfly to get her new circulatory system up and running, the butterfly has to take her time getting out of the chrysalis. It takes while. She has to pump her wings while hanging on to the chrysalis until she is ready to fly. If we pry her shell away to quickly to help her out, she will fall and die. If we try to take her away from her perch too soon, she will perish. She has to do everything by herself. And we just have to watch.
So I guess as parents, maybe we are the chrysalis. We have to just be steady and let our butterflies have something to cling to and we have to let them pump their pretty little wings until they are strong enough to fly on their own. If things go well, the butterflies will fly away into the sunshine, taste different flowers, find a mate, make lots of caterpillars who will go through the same struggle as we all did. But maybe we are just new butterflies too, just winging it with our own struggles.
A couple of weeks ago, I was standing in line at the post office and I overheard two ladies talking about their grown children. They were both mailing their daughters Valentine's packages and it was a small world kind of thing and each of the ladies shared their sorrows when they discovered they both were mailing packages to each of their daughters living in different states who were each going through a divorce. Both ladies found comfort in each other as they related just how difficult is was to experience their daughters' heart breaks.
One of the ladies said, "Gosh, you get them all grown up which is hard enough and then you think you have finally made it and then you realize it's even harder when they are all grown up and go through things you cannot fix or help at all.
I butted in, "Um, excuse me. Don't mean to be nosey, but did you just say it gets harder when they are grown?"
The other woman laughed and said, "Oh, yes! You have no idea!"
And I said, "Man, I thought I was in the midst of the toughest stage with two teenage girls and three younger children."
And the lady said, "Well, you are busy and juggling a lot, but raising teenagers is nothing like the heartbreaks and worry you will suffer through when they are all grown up. You never stop being a mom."
There is evidently no break from being a mother. Once you bring your child into your life, they are yours forever. I can see this with my own mother. She's still my mommy. I still rely on her quite a bit even though I act like I don't need her. I am sure her heart breaks for me when I am struggling. Maybe we never really grow up all the way. Maybe I am still struggling out of my chrysalis with wet wings all the while trying to keep up with three caterpillars and two butterflies just peaking out of their shells. Maybe we don't fly away until we are ready to fly off to the next life. It is folklore in many cultures that butterflies are the souls of those going to the Otherworld.
The larva stage can last an entire year depending on the weather. Caterpillars spend a long time foraging but as butterflies, we don't actually get to fly for very long. Only a couple of weeks, typically. Most of our lives will be all about the struggle.
So, here's my epiphany: Keep the eggs safe and protected. Make sure the larva are developing properly. Enjoy the caterpillars as they are lots of fun. Teach them what they need to know to survive. And let the metamorphosing teenagers sleep and eat all they want. Make sure their chrysalises are good and strong. And when they start to peep out of the shell, let them be. Give them the chance to pump their own wings as we parents continue stretching our own.
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