Christmas Card 2008

In case you are wondering if I have forgotten your address, I am not sending Christmas cards this year. I usually send a funny poem about my crazy life but this year I lost my funny bone.

Believe me, I tried to write this year's poem, but how could I make fun of the events of my life this year? Um, let's see...what rhymes with "broken heart?" "Losing a loved one?"

And typically I brag a lot about each of our wonderful, beautiful and amazing children (see what I mean) and this year, I could not bring myself to do that. Not that they didn't do a lot of neat and special things like: Jolie was the only freshman in the One Act Play competition for White County and she did awesome playing Ruthie in "Bat Boy the Musical." She has made a lot of new friends through drama and had so much fun. She also had a role in Deck the Stage and did such a beautiful job singing a solo. Jolie is taking guitar lessons and is quite the rising music star. And I can't forget to mention Jolie got her braces off a few months ago! She has a million dollar smile.

Jolie and Sydney were recently in a play at church and they sang the most beautiful duet of "Welcome to our world" which is a contemporary Christmas song. It made me cry.

Sydney has grown like a weed and is as tall as me...which is 5 feet. She is taller than Jolie which she teases her about. Sydney's foot grew too and she is now in a size 9. Where she gets those giant feet...I don't know! Sydney joined the 6th grade band and started playing the clarinet. She has enjoyed it and loved playing in the school Christmas program. Sydney loves playing basketball and running. She remains the family comedian and makes everyone laugh. Sydney is very nurturing and helps me with my little preschool in the afternoons when she comes home form school. The children love her and get so excited when they see their "Nee- Nee." Sydney has braces and the herbst appliance. Anyone who knows what that is can send their sympathy.

Fischer is in second grade. He likes school and his creative teacher, Mrs. Fredrick. Fischer has been working on a comic book and his artistic abilities are becoming so evident. He is so good at drawing. He is still a fabulous reader and still has his nose in medical journals, novels, and science magazines. He has a photographic memory. But at the same time, he is a little on the spacey side and often runs into walls and trips on air. Fischer has become very interested in football. Not playing it, though he loves to play ball with Adrian occasionally, but Fischer carries around his "play book" and works on strategies during his free time. The best news about Fischer this year is that over the summer he went to the allergist and he OUTGREW his wheat and egg allergies! Wow! Eating bread is a whole new world for Fischer! He can eat cake, cookies, whatever! He's still very allergic to peanuts and we are armed with an epi-pen for that.

Mollie is now 4 and is finishing up her last year of preschool. Next year will be big school. Mollie will start ballet this January and she is thrilled. She is a wonderful dancer. She is very girly and thinks she can only wear dresses. Every day. And if I make her wear pants to school, I have to promise she can change into a dress the moment she comes home. Mollie likes to draw like her big brother. She is very creative and into small details. Mollie is a sweetheart. She is so loving and generous.

Nicholas is 2 and a half. He had a remarkable year going through milestone after milestone, changing from a baby to a little boy. He totally has OCD and is obsessed with Lego's. That boy sure can build! He loves blocks too. He lines everything up just so. He is tender hearted and so adorable. Nicholas is a huggy kissy kind of kid. He hugs everyone. He talks to strangers and loves meeting new people. Nicholas loves my new little preschool and enjoys doing art projects with the other little boys. Nicholas also loves to dance.

But, I don't want to brag this year. I've been too sad. This year was so difficult. So many changes. But at least the children have kept us going. And actually, when I look back, I do find so many things to celebrate. Each day has been a gift, even when it's been hard. I know my father would want us to see the joy and not miss any opportunities.

All my grief was so powerful that I had to do something with it or I would explode, so I began writing more seriously. In fact, I became an advice columnist for our newspaper and am published weekly. My column is called, "Ask Lula Belle." My advice usually ends up being something I learned from my dad. Sharing his wisdom and hope with others makes me feel like I am passing on his light. I also wrote a book which looks like it will be out this spring. It's called, A Clock, A Coffee Pot and A Field of Lilies (the story of a recovering addict.)

Adrian's sister, Susan lost her daughter this year too. It has been a year of mourning for both our families. Adrian's mother, Love, moved up here to be closer to us this summer. Adrian has felt very honored caring for her and running errands for her. She always thinks she's trouble, but Adrian says it is a very sweet experience to be able to do things for his mama. The children have enjoyed getting to know her better and I have too.

Adrian's big news is he finally got hearing aids. Adrian has been a lip reader for YEARS. He has been hearing impaired since he was about 12 years old. He has fancy new hearing aids. He called me from the grocery store after he first got them and said, "Abi! Guess what? I can hear the wheels on the buggy I'm pushing! They make noise!" It's opened a whole new world for him.

With all of life's troubles, there sure have been reasons to rejoice. I celebrate my family, my children, my sisters, my mama, my in laws, my extended relatives and most especially, my best friend and sweetheart, Adrian. After losing my dad, I hold these folks closer than ever and love them and cherish them even more.

This Christmas will be fun with the kids but I imagine it will be very sad too. So, I'll have a Christmas. I don't know if I could call it Merry. I am indeed ever more grateful for the true gift of this season...a baby born 2000 years ago, wrapped in swaddling clothing, lying in a manger. A gift for you, for me, for everyone...a gift of eternal life. A gift that means I will see Daddy again. And that any pain I have felt or any amount of suffering I must go through, it has already been taken on by our savior. I am never alone.

So, have a Christmas if it's all that you can do. And if it can be even a little bit Merry...then rejoice! For this is the day the Lord hath made! It is a gift! Lots of Love, Always and Warmest Wishes, abigail xoxoxox

We don't live in a very convenient place. It takes us 40 minutes to go to the doctor. There is no Walmart and I drive 15 miles taking the children all to school. But wow! Look at how beautiful it is. Yesterday Mollie, Nicholas and I walked down to our creek and climbed up in the hammock and started swingin' away. The three of us snuggled up together and watched the bright, yellow birch leaves against the clearest blue sky you have ever seen, one by one, spiral down around us. Mollie declared, "Look, Mama! It's fall! It's really fall 'cause the leaves are falling!" At times I wonder if my children have ADHD, especially Nicholas who is very two years old sometimes. But Mollie and Nicholas stayed wrapped up in my arms in the hammock for about an hour just watching leaves fall, listening to birds sing, watching spiders climb and bugs fly. I can't tell you how centering it was. I told Adrian I was going to build a church down in our back yard and it would be our sanctuary.

Today Adrian declared he was going on an adventure and of course the children scrambled into the van after their Daddy. I rushed out reminding him to take diapers and stuff, but he wasn't concerned about it. He just wanted to seize the opportunity to play outside. Here are some of their pictures at Helton Creek Falls which isn't far from here. I stayed behind and Mama came to visit me. What a great day.

Halloween

Our Halloween was fun. We did a haunted porch and scared the 200 (plus) trick or treaters we had! This year was the spookiest ever. Adrian was Dracula, I was Little Red Riding Hood, Sydney was a witch, Fischer was a zombie, Mollie was Mariposa, and Nicholas was a Georgia Tech football player. Jolie had a performance of Bat Boy (a Main Stage Player Musical...scary play, she gets murdered in the show) followed by a cast party, so it was our first Halloween without her. How sad. I'll post more pictures of her play and of our porch later. Happy Halloween!!

Homecoming 2008

A Box of Hope

Nearly six months have passed since I said goodbye,

Not a day has gone by that I haven't cried.

I thought it would be easier as time went on,

Instead it is tougher for me to admit you're gone.

It's why you are still on my Christmas list,

And I have been trying to think of a perfect gift.

I crumble realizing you won't be there,

The house will feel empty, sad and bare.

Sweet memories will fill our hearts, they say,

But they can't take my grief away.

Winter is coming, the air is getting brisk,

And the warmth of your presence is truly missed.

So, I'll pick out a gift and wrap it with care,

I'll place it under your tree and leave it there.

If you can open it, you will find,

A box of hope to your heart from mine.

Going to the beauty shop

Nicholas got his ears lowered and Love got her hair beautiful. My friend, Tonya did their hair. I thought Nicholas' was getting too long and shaggy, but looking at this picture, it was rather sweet like that. Oh, well....he feels like a big boy with his new look! And Love looks marvelous.

The Power of Prayer

I have been thinking lately about the power of prayer. I went to a women's bible study last night and the lesson was about prayer. Funny how that always works...that when you are pondering spiritual matters, that you draw people around you who are pondering the same or similar things.

The lesson was about how God answers prayers. Miracles can happen when we pray. There are several scriptures to back this up. I listened politely and tried to be open minded.

However, this thinking has always bothered me. For instance, when a football player is interviewed after winning a game and he says, "I'd like to thank Jesus for blessing our team!" Or even when someone says, "I beat cancer and I want to thank God for blessing me. Thank you to all those who were praying for me."

I mean, do they assume that Jesus did not like the other team, so that's why they lost? What makes you so sure your team is in God's favor? Even people who are healed? Does God like them better than the ones who still suffer or even die? Was it because they were not faithful enough or did not have enough people saying prayers for them?

I feel uncomfortable even just praying for God's will to be done. Because, is it not going to be done any way? Isn't it a bit of an ego trip to feel the need to pray for God to do His job? Who are we to ask Him to do what needs to be done?

I really battled with all of this for a long time, especially when my father was diagnosed with cancer nearly 3 years ago. I did not know what to pray for because it was in God's hands any way, in my opinion, and I felt awkward telling Him what to do. But I did it any way. "God, please don't let Daddy die. Please heal his body. Please let him win this battle."

God did not answer my prayers, nor did he answer the prayers of my family and all his friends. Daddy was on several prayer rolls at churches all over this area, and yet, with all that praying, God did not grant our requests. Daddy was a good Christian who devoted his entire life to the service of others. He worked hard for the greater good. Why did God take him away? Wasn't he "deserving" of the blessings to be healed?

I eventually asked God to help me accept what was happening instead of asking favors. But it wasn't until the end. I realized Daddy's illness was just part of his spiritual plan. Who were we to mess with that? God has the big picture, and we only see so much with our earthly, small eyes. Once I learned to ask God to help me accept "come what may," true blessings unfolded in my life.

As I drew closer and closer to God, learning to trust that everything is in His hands, I learned to surrender to Him and let go of my ego, my wants and desires, no matter how righteous they seemed to be. It gave me the biggest blessings of all, and that was peace, serenity, acceptance, understanding and abundant comfort.

Losing Daddy was the hardest event by far I have ever been through, yet through the power of prayer, my eyes are more open to see God's hand in everything. It has been a spiritual awakening and I did not even realize I had been so asleep.

Is there sadness? Yes. Most definitely. I still cry and hurt and miss Daddy. I wish more than anything right now that he was still here. I feel so sad for my whole family for losing him. And a piece of me is mad at God for allowing such a wonderful man to suffer.

If you believe in Jesus, then you can find comfort in knowing that Jesus suffered all the cancer in the world and that he cried tears of all of our sorrows from the blood he shed at the garden of Gethsemane from every pour in His body. And that even in death, we can live again through resurrection. The atonement of Christ brings peace to everyone who knows we can surrender and lay down the crosses we try to bear. We don't have to carry any crosses because they were already carried for us.

And even if you are not sure what you believe in, it is OK. Just simply knowing you ain't God is enough. That there is a great and wonderful creation here and we did not simply appear out of nothing. The same hands that made the mountains made you. Every leaf and every flower is part of something we are all connected to. There is a mighty powerful force of Goodness on this earth.

The power of prayer can be so beautiful when we look at prayer as an opening for a relationship with our higher power. To have God, however you know God to be, as your companion, it makes it so that you endure pain and suffering along with celebrating joys and everything in life by being more spiritually aware. Seeing God's hands in everything brings peace. Having God as a spiritual guide in our daily life will open our eyes to things we never even saw before. We will have greater knowledge which will lead us to making the better choices on our journey to have a more abundant life.

I guess it is more meditation than the kind of praying I learned in Sunday School which brings us closer to God. People of many different faiths practice meditation, being still and quiet, listening for the still, small voice, or feeling present, or feeling at one with the universe. I liked my minister from childhood, who would lead the congregation into prayer by saying, "Let's bow our
heads, as we each in our own way, have a conversation with God." I love that. God is always with us and inside of us, but to take a few quiet moments and connect on our part will bring us the closeness we yearn to feel.

So, for me, I won't be praying for special favors. I know God is mindful and aware of all. He is aware of every grain of sand in the ocean and every hair on my head. But I can seek to draw nearer to God on my part, so that I can have greater understanding, acceptance, hope, peace and love. And that is a blessing and a miracle.